A man on my facebook page posed a very interesting question today to the women on fb. He wanted to know if a man good get over his cheating ways. The short answer I gave him was that every man was different. Some men can change and some men can’t. I’m going to explain that at length because in readings I advise my clients on what I see. And, I’m known for “shooting from the hip” and telling them like it is… no matter how painful the answer may be.
In my personal experience men have cheated on me for one of 3 reasons. 1) They were sex addicts. 2) They has a substance abuse problem that caused them to have hyper-sexual behavior. 3) They had a mental illness that caused them to have hyper-sexual behavior. In all three cases I learned that the cause of their cheating had nothing to do with me. That realization alone has led me to preserve my self-esteem in situations where I could have lost it. Men with any of the above-mentioned issues want love and relationships like anyone else, but they cannot commit due to circumstances beyond their control. They can’t control their addictions. They need help.
The biggest mistake that any woman can make is to believe that she can “fix” any of these things. Why? Because in all three cases professional help, counseling, group therapy any maybe even medication is required to achieve a change in behavior. But, before anything else the man has to admit the problem is his and not the woman in his life that he is cheating on. In the worst case scenario men go from woman to woman thinking that the “right” woman can stop him from cheating. They are lying to themselves and YOU.
I learned this the hard way years ago while dating an alcoholic. Rather than admit that his “at risk” behavior was a result of the disease of alcoholism he tried to make me believe that it was my fault that he drank and my fault that he cheated. At one time I thought this man was the love of my life and so I persevered… until one day at an Al-Anon Meeting… I realized that living with an alcoholic was not what I wanted for the rest of my life. I left him, no matter how much it hurt and I didn’t look back.
Today, I’m with a man who is healthy, faithful, sexy, smart and loves me for me. As for my former love… he moved on… got a woman pregnant… is now living as a failed baby daddy… and he is still drinking like a fish. Over a year ago he came back into my life with the fantasy that I would leave my current man for him. 10 years after we parted he is older and sickly and thought that I would be stupid enough to “take care” of him. What an idiot. He still has no idea that any woman with sense doesn’t want the burden of a man who cheats, on top of other addictions, no matter how good looking or well off he is. By the way, although he was handsome when I first knew him and had a pretty good career, he has aged badly and is clearly on the “downward spiral.”
Move on ladies. Don’t make the mistake of blaming yourself and bending over backwards to “help” these men. Help yourselves. I waited 10 years after leaving “Mr. Wrong” and was rewarded with the knowledge that I had done the right thing.